The Aftermath
all those books, those documentaries, those news articles
here's what they don't tell you:
even if you "recover"
the effects of an eating disorder stay with you forever.
The people in those books, those stories: those were the lucky ones.
For the last two, three, four years, I've been trying to re-start this blog,
to write some new essays, to explain my new philosophies on eating disorders, mental illness, and life.
And I haven't been able to do it.
Even trying to write this post, it's taken me weeks.
I don't have words any more.
It's not that I don't have anything to say. My brain doesn't work. The synapses don't fire.
I try to make complete sentences, to concentrate, I type a few words,
I stare blankly, I get a headache, and nothing else comes.
This isn't special, it's typical.[1]
Most people with eating disorders don't die
but most of them never recover either.[2]
The people in those books, those stories: those were the lucky ones.
They were able to salvage something out of the wreck of their old life and make a new one.
They had enough pieces left to put back together to build themselves again.
What do I have?
....
The majority people involved in the Pro-Ana/Thinspo/Eating Disorder online community do not have eating disorders.
The trouble is, it all sounds the same in text.
In pro-ana, the vast majority of people are either: (a) girls who think losing weight will make them magically happy, but starving/puking sucks so they disappear after a month or two, or (b) girls who think losing weight will make them magically happy, and they convince themselves they are "victims" of "eating disorders" because really they are just yo-yo dieters who love the feeling of conpanionship and support. Some of the people without EDs have other, genuine mental health disorders and a lot of self-hate that seems a lot like the self-hate found in EDs. There's a few people with real EDs. And we allllll go "boohoo I hate my body" and we all get along.
And I'm sick of it.
Their emotions are real, and valid. Their problems are real, and serious. They are valuable people, too. But they're not eating disordered, and they don't understand.
A few of my friends/aquaintences went into recovery and left the online crew. Some of them were forced into recovery after heart attacks or other severe health problems. Some of us continue to linger, hopping around blogs and aliases, living our stupid, repetative lives, never quite recovering, always wishing we could go back to our sickest, and carrying on anyway. I just can't listen to all the bullshit any more, all the people who are just plain WRONG, when I can barely think anymore at all.
When you're wrapped up in an eating disorder, everything around you just feeds into it, and it's hard to see you're surrounded by bullshit. Anyone who is visiting here with an ED, my heart is with you - I know what you're searching for, but you're beset on all sides by ignorance and lies and you will probably be too sick to care.
To anyone else who is here: get out.
For some of you, it's while you still can.
[1] Gray matter decrease of the anterior cingulate cortex in anorexia nervosa. Mühlau M, et al. 2007 Dec.
"In anorexia nervosa, part of the global gray matter loss persists over the long run."
[2] The Outcome of Anorexia Nervosa in the 20th Century. Hans-Christoph Steinhausen, et al. 2002 Aug.
"Among the surviving patients, less than one-half recovered on average, whereas one-third improved, and 20% remained chronically ill. The normalization of the core symptoms, involving weight, menstruation, and eating behaviors, was slightly better when each symptom was analyzed in isolation. The presence of other psychiatric disorders at follow-up was very common. "
It took me seven hours to get to this point in the page, and it's not even everything I wanted to say, and there's people making up problems so they can get hugs because they never learned to hug themselves. I don't have the emotional energy for blogging any more, seriously. I have a Tumblr you can follow, which helps me express myself nonverbally, since I have such a hard time with that now. It's mostly stereotypical reblogs and maudlin crap, and I avoid it for long periods of time when the I get frustrated with the idiocy. So sick of hearing 13-year-olds think that their problems are the end of the world.
March 2, 2013
I realized yesterday that I've been throwing up on a daily basis; I thought it was just "once in a while".
It's because whne I do eat, I'm not really eating. I drink coffee instead.
At night I feel my bones, something I haven't done in almost two years. The reason I've been okay with my weight is because I've been avoiding looking down at my body, avoiding looking in the mirror. When I look again, I see that I am fat.
I'm losing weight again.
I'm 29 years old.
secretsareyummy@gmail.com
