Feb 2012: A revised version of this post is in the works. Thanks for your patience.
After a small discussion with some folks online, I've decided to try and explain what it means (to me) to be ProAna.
Before I do, please recognise the following:
- I have the right (in my country) to voice my own opinions, even if they are unpopular, offensive, or involve dangerous or unhealthy practices.
- You are welcome to express your opinion about the topic, even if you disagree with me. I may ask you to direct your longer comments over here to keep this blog tidy, but I will certainly respond to you if you're interested in discussion.
- I am not trying to encourage or "recruit" anyone into ProAna. If you think you are developing an eating disorder, please seek help. If you have an eating disorder and are unhappy with the way it affects your life, please seek help.
So. I call myself ProAna because I have an eating disorder, and I am choosing not to seek help for it. That is the general definition of ProAna, and you will find most people that use the term for themselves (and some that do not) fall into this category.
There are a few people who consider ProAna a "lifestyle" or "religious" choice, but they are rare. I am not one of those people, although I do believe there are choices involved with becoming ProAna.
As for lifestylers, it is true that someone could chose to use dangerous crash-dieting methods for weight loss without having an eating disorder. Someone who does this frequently throughout their lives, however, probably has an eating disorder they are unaware of. They may be "making a choice", but the likelihood is that they are motivated by reasons that are not just to "be skinny".
I do not believe an Eating Disorder is curable. I believe you are born with your brain "wired" this way, and cannot be changed. It can be made better or worse by your environment and experiences, which is why some people have more "severe" eating disorders than others. I do believe a person can "be in recovery", by refocusing whatever it is that drives their eating disorder into more healthy actions. The most resent research, in fact, backs me up.
I compare it to ADHD, which I also have. I went undiagnosed for many years, because my parents thought I was "just that way": forgetful, spacey, compulsive, hyperfocused. It was "suddenly" an issue after puberty set in. In actuality, it had been there all along, if you knew what to look for, but life-changes can "trigger" and worsen mental stability.
ADHD cannot be cured. I was born with it, inherited by my parents. A chaotic home life makes ADHD worse. A structured one makes it easier.
You can ignore it, as it becomes a problem, and you fail in school, fail in relationships, fail at work. You're just a failure. You can try to stop it, by forcing a child through the same educational system as everyone else - they'll just have to learn to deal. You can just treat the symptoms by popping pills, to made the ADHD person "normal" again, and not think about the underlying causes. You can learn to understand it, and work around it, by changing your lifestyle (ie, getting up extra early because you're always late for work).
Or you can work with it, by using the "cons" of ADHD as "pros", such as getting a job that requires creative spontaneity. A well-known example is Robin Williams, who channels his ADHD into his work.
And so I don't think of eating disorders as diseases any more than ADHD is - it's just one of many mental configurations a person can have that affects the way they deal with the world.
You can ignore Anorexia, and it'll be an issue all your life, or kill you. You can try to stop it. Tell the person that they'll just have to "learn to deal" - just "get over it". You can treat just the symptoms - force feed the person, give them some pills, and send them home.
You can go on the path they call "Recovery", probably the healthiest path, by learning to understand how Anorexia works, why you have it. Learn your triggers, the elements in your past and the genetic factors that are the root cause of your eating disorder. Then you can work around it, by changing your lifestyle (ie, by directing your anxiety into something more constructive).
Or you can learn to work with it. That's the choice. That's ProAna.
Anorexia is a struggle. A struggle to lose weight, and then a struggle not to go too far. I refuse to accept the way I look. I'll probably always be fighting with my body. Maybe I'll succeed, maybe I won't.
Why not learn to enjoy the struggle?
And I do enjoy it. The obsession, the romance, the idealism, all appeal to me. It gives me something to focus on, something to be good at, something to be mine and mine alone. Others may judge me for it, because they wouldn't want to dedicate their lives to the same things, but how does that make me "wrong"? It's just the way my brain is wired - I'll never be happy focusing on "normal" things.
Life isn't what happens to you, it's how you deal with it.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
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AGE: 28 
13 voices:
I can really ralted to you where you say that the ED is something that belongs to you. And as a result you protect it at all costs. I don't classify myself as proana, because I don't want to be put into that category, if you get what I mean?
I actually do fall into the category by your definition, but in my head, it's such a stigma that I'd rather avoid it I guess lol x
I completely agree with everything you said, but my favorite part is "why not learn to enjoy the struggle?" That's exactly what i did. For a while i fought my ED, tried to overcome it, but then i came to the realization that even if i eat "normally" and go through all the motions of being "normal", i'll still hate my body and want to change it. So i decided to accept and love my ED. I'm glad to hear that i'm not alone in my masochistic affection.
Hanz: I totally understand the "proana stigma". It's so villianized by the media that associating yourself with it sets you up for a lot of trouble.
Ana's Girl: I actually tried to embrace my compulsive overeating. I love delicious food of all kinds, after all. And then I got fat, and was disgusted with myself. Then with celiacs on top of it, I gave up. If I can't enjoy the things I like without getting sick or fat, I'd rather not eat at all.
I saw another example of this acceptance in a documentary about Tourette's Syndrome. One man was an artist (a very twitchy artist!). Medication got rid of his Tics. Instead, he chose not to medicate himself. He felt that taking away his Tourettes was taking away a part of himself.
"Normal" is such a stupid word. Even prior to any EDs, I was never "normal". I don't think normal, I don't act normal. Why not take pride in it? I'm sick of other people making me feel ashamed for something that I don't deserve to feel guilty about.
Such a great way to classify proana. I too tried to recover from my eating disorder, but it never went away and I agree that it is something you are born with. I too have chosen to try and enjoy it since I know it will always be apart of me.
You should send me your rain! : D And I totally told L off.
Stay strong <3
interesting post
Oh wow. So very well and eloquently put. Thank you. Especially your last paragraph. I copied it onto my desktop - you worded it so well!
Thank you very much for your thoughts.
I feel undiseased. No longer a leper. (ha there is a bird singing outside my window at 1:34a.m. seriously) I totally agree with the genetic thing. Depression runs in both sides of my family. I swear like half of all my ancestors and relatives have committed suicide. I think that people see odd behavior and on instinct try to stop it. They just don't realize that you can't stop a part of yourself.
Dot: Argh, it rained all night! Take it, take it!
R Harlow B: Thank you!
Mad Bird: Ha, wow, that's really flattering! Glad you enjoyed it!
Sunny: "Undiseased" is such an excellent word. People seem to treat EDs like STDs - that you must have done something stupid, so you should feel ashamed, and try to hide it.
People try to stop odd behavior because everyone wants to fit in. But it's obvious that these "odd" things are pretty common!
[sorry this is such a belated response]
This was super interesting to me. While there are some parts i don't agree with, and some I'm not sure I fully understand, I get parts of it. I don't have an eating disorder (well, it's questionable)-- but reading this and the subsequent comments... I'm thinking in a weird way (and getting really inspired to draw, haha).
At the very least, I'm kind of inspired to write a blog. And I'll probably continue reading yours.
well defined. under that classification i would consider myself proana aswell...
it certainly doesnt occurr to me as a religion...
the main reason i wouldnt ever try to recover is that i expect that i could never completely rid myself of ana. what is the point? i would just have wasted time and weight gain on the wild goose chase of recovery.
and there i'd be: fat, disappointed and with a further path of starves in anticipation. kind of bleak.
I know that you posted this a very long time ago, but it's referenced on your page, and I wanted to check it out.
I'm really glad I did.
Like those who responded before me, I love the way you've explained Ana. I've been Ana for a long time, and sometimes it gets depressing hearing about all these women who are Ana and won't give it up but hate themselves for it... I wish I could give them a hug and let them know that it's okay to be how they are. That people will love them regardless. That they are inspiring for being so strong.
Basically, I just wanted to let you know that this spoke to me, and I appreciate you writing it. <3
This is a very interesting blog, but I'd really encourage you to think about your reasoning behind all of this. All you need to do is look at your last few sentences to see how painfully self-contradictory your thoughts are.
You defend yourself by saying it's the way you're "wired," and so it can't be wrong- but then you say that life isn't about what's handed to you, it's about how you deal with it.
That simply doesn't make sense. Either our brains are wired, cannot change, and thus morality is null and non existent(which is your view, and which I don't think you really believe) and so it is futile to "deal with it," or you can change and act and do things meaningfully in the world and so we should "deal with it," and if that's the case that Ano can be wrong.
But please, for the sake of consistency, don't say it's your brain's fault and then tell people to deal with what's handed to them. That just doesn't make sense at all.
To Chris J;
I have actually started writing a revised version of this post which I hope to finish soon. I am aware of the inconsistancies, and some of my feelings on the topic have changed since this was written. Hopefully it will clarify what I'm trying to say.
However, I disagree with a couple of things you have said.
Firstly I do not believe in morality existing outside of human minds, no, and I confess that I have a hard time believing in "free will". This gets into the realm of philosophy and religion and ethics, and I won't go into those depths now. However, I don't believe morality is irrelevant to human beings, and that it is an important part of our evolution, if you will. And so I do have my own set of "standards", which I assume is what you're picking up here.
A disease is never "wrong", however. And even if I choose to hurt myself, were it a choice, I don't believe that's "wrong" either. I am aware that many (most?) people do not feel the same. (Generally I don't think in terms of "right" and "wrong", I view things as a sliding-scale of beneficial-to-harmful with varying levels of whom it effects.)
When I talk about right and wrong when speaking about pro-ana, I'm usually pointing out the hypocracy of Western society, rather than my own beliefs. So many people verbally encourage freedom of expression and self, but then they criticise those who make unpopular choices.
Most importantly, you say that I am being contradictory in what is chosen and what is hard-wired. Perhaps it was just due to me being unclear, but what I'm actually saying is that there are BOTH aspects at play here. Eating disorders are absoultely not "chosen". The fear and resistance against recovery are not chosen. In the same way it is nearly impossible for a person with major depression to "ignore" their sadness, or a person with schizophrenia to "ignore" their hallucinations, it is equally difficult for an eating disordered person to ignore what their brain is telling them.
I do however believe you can choose to push against it, and while this is obviously an extremely difficult choice and one I struggle with constantly, it can be done. Reaching out to others despite the screaming need for isolation is a choice; educating yourself on your disorder instead of remaining inorant is a choice, etc. I fight every day between trying to actively encourage my eatin disorder in order to get sicker, and with fighting it at different levels in order to get well. Perhaps, as I said above, it is not really my choice and that I'm lucky enough to be "wired" with a sliver of positive influence, but again that's not something I can really answer.
Basically, I'm saying that it is not inconsistant to say that (some of) your brain/body can be wired in a certain way AND that you have choices you can take about it. If you disagree, well.
Lastly, I do want to point out that some of your tone was condescending, though I'm not sure if it was intentional. You encourage me to "think about my reasoning" when I clearly have thought a lot about it, for example. I'm not offended, but wanted to make you aware.
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