Progress Pics 110

It's not that I hate photos, but I've never been someone who takes pictures of things. My photo books are random shots of plants, blurry sunsets, cats, interesting cracks in the sidewalk. Point being, I have almost no evidence of me ever being fat OR skinny. Certainly nothing at my highest or lowest weights. I would care really except that my brain discredits anything without evidence, so I feel like I'm lying when I say "but I was X once!!"

So I've been meaning to get some progress photos in. Partially for blogging purposes, but also so I have proof for some future reference back, and also to prove it to myself while it's happening. Because of course I can't really see it. The weight loss, I mean.

Anyway. Had an absolutely lovely experience with laxatives this morning. I just took a normal does, but of course my intestines have been pretty empty lately, so I was awoken with ripping pain. For the next few hours I could feel it burning down the entire length of my large intestine. There wasn't blood, to my surprise, honestly. But I was hoping to hit 110 by Monday and wanted to be truly empty and clean. I weighed in this morning at 108.7. The last of the bloating bullshit is finally gone.

Was my intention to take pics at ever 5 pound loss, but I guess this first one will have to be a little under. Oh, darn.

Before I post my first images at roughly 110 pounds, I want to stress my "fat disclaimer". The last time I posted pics, around this weight, some anonymous cow had the audacity to say I was lying, claiming to be thinner than I actually was. Mind blown. Why the fuck would I lie on my own blog where I disclose every horrible detail about myself? Secondly, why would I try to claim a skinnier weight and expect to get away with it amid a bunch of arguable experts on the skinny form? But that aside, there are understandable reasons for the accusation. Those reasons make up the following disclaimer.

First, even though I am thin, I am actually fat. I do not exercise even a quarter as much as most anoretics, or many bulimics. Mostly laziness, but part arthritis - it stiffens me and I literally cannot move. This improves when I'm on meds, but at the moment I'm doing shit. I also do not put on muscle very fast even with exercise, a curse of genetics. Point being, my body fat percentage is very high in comparison to my weight. I hate it, believe me.

Secondly, I carry my fat in my legs. At a BMI of 18.5 my thighs still almost touch. This is Genetic and incurable. Most people distribute their fat a little more evenly than I do, but I wear a AA bra purchased in the Girl's section, shirts smaller than extra small, and my ribs and spine are visible. My top is a 1 but my ass is still about a 4. I do not and never will have those beautiful stick legs, those legs that are just straight lines all the way down. My choices: fat legs or skeletal sick bones, there is no in between.

So yes, despite my 110 weight, my "officially underweight" status, I am still fat in basically everyone's eyes. Pretty sure even a doctor wouldn't even bat an eye. I look much thinner when clothed because it hides my rolling, bouncing fat.

But here are pics of my fat-thin body, taken today, 108.7 pounds. I blur out my tattoos, by the way.

(Sorry, I've removed this picture of me because for some reason this post has been getting FUCKTONS of hits, way more than any other post. I'd like to retain an iota of privacy, please. 04.21.12)

Gross.

But I can be patient. I want to note that around this weight I start getting disturbed comments on my skinniness. At 5 pounds less I stop wearing a bra at all. At 5 pounds less my top half starts to look "ill" because all my back bones show and my cheeks begin to sink. At 5 pounds less I start to grow lanugo on my face, even in Summer. At 5 pounds less I had to stop wearing tank tops because my ex, my mother, the people who know me well could see that something was wrong. At 5 pounds less I hit a BMI of 17.5 and become "officially" anorexic.

When I get there I'll post another progress pic, then another at 100, and again at 95. Supposedly my goal weight, the weight I plan to try and maintain.

We all know that I am lying, of course. For months now my brain has chanted 85, 85, you don't count if it's above 85. But I've been trying to ignore that voice until I've at least hit my first goal, not jump the gun, not be impatient. Because let's face it, until I'm quite a bit lower, nobody's going to believe I can make it to 85, including myself.

At 110 I am 65 lbs below my highest weight. Just a measly 15 more to go. Or is that 25?

I remember a day a few years ago when my goal was 113, because I didn't think it was physically possible for me to be any thinner.