When People Portray Anorexia Positively

FAQ: Why do some of your posts make anorexia nervosa seem rewarding or admirable?

I want to clarify something about certain types of posts on this blog: those which reflect positively on by eating disorder.

Sometimes I have poetic or philosophical writings about my eating disorder. Some give rational justifications for my disordered behavior, some artfully romanticize sickness or suicide, some verbosely describe my eating disorder as positive and enjoyable. In some cases I may, in fact, seem to "glorify anorexia".

My rationalization and idealization of my eating disorder is a symptom. It it critical that my readers understand this face, and its ramifications.

Simply, it means some readers may misinterpret these types of posts and get the impression that (a) I believe eating disorders are a decision to develop, a goal to pursue, or a lifestyle to choose; or (b) I am trying to convince others that these things are true. Again, this is a misinterpretation of my writing, caused by taking my words at face value, usually due to a lack of understanding of how eating disorders affect the sufferer's mind.

The reality is that my "glorification" of anorexia is a common and well documented symptom of the disorder.

- Some of it is to perpetuate the obsession. Part of it is insidious, something like self-hypnosis, to convince yourself that what you're doing is positive or acceptable. Part of this can also be a more direct attempt to distract a person from eating, ie encourage one's disordered behavior.

- Some of it is, however, a reflection of the obsession. An ED is constantly on your mind, and the biological side of it won't let you stop thinking of the disorder. Worse, the obsession is complete illogical nonsense. Speaking of ED in a positive way is an attempt of the analytical mind to make sense out of nonsense. If starving is actually a good thing, then it makes sense to do it! It is an attempt to relieve some of the pressure, like a pot boiling over.

- Some of it is purely chemical, a mentally ill brain convincing the person of lies. Just like a person with OCD hears a whisper that they need to wash their germ-covered hands, a person with an ED hears a whisper that they need to starve or purge to be better people. When a person with Major Depression feels sad for no reason, they rationalize it's because they're worthless and deserve it. Similarly, when a person with an ED feels shameful when they eat, they are going to rationalize that eating means they are greedy, and therefore not-eating means they are acceptable, worthy, good.

- Some of it is caused by a lack of what psychologist call "insight". People with eating disorders, especially those who are in a severe stage, often lose the ability to perceive themselves in an accurate logical way. They become partially or totally delusional, and cannot see anything wrong. They are not choosing to ignore the fact that they're sick, they no longer have the capability to see it at all. Different levels of insight are a factor in most mental illnesses; for example, an Obsessive-Compulsive person may feel the need to wash their hands many times but still know that it's unnecessary - their insight is good - or they may think that a dozen washings makes perfect sense to guarantee germ-free hands - their insight is poor.

In other words, when I talk about how awesome starving is, I am either outright delusional, trying to convince myself of a lie, or I am trying to lessen the pain.

SYMPTOM. NOT CHOICE. The only "choice" involved here is that I am sharing my feelings with others instead of keeping them in my head.

How has the symptom of rationalizing or idealizing one's eating disorder affected the Pro-Ana community?

Coming soon.






See Also: FAQ links coming soon.

I Digress

Er, I am trying to do the followup post, and it is majorly fucking long. There's a lot to address and I want it to make sense instead of being babble. I'll be back with it in a few days.

In the meantime, here are a bunch of relevant things.

1. First I want to recommend links to what are just a small few of my currently favorite blogs: Scarlett, Recovering Ana, Amaris, Americaneaglelove, Niika, Hope. All of them are in various stages of their disorder, which is a diversity I find fascinating and important to our community. Read them, support them, send them your love! (And check out everyone who commented in the last few posts, too, because they are clearly Hip And With It.)

2. I asked a bit on Twitter, but I've started using the tag/concept #AltED as a different name for the community. Opinions? The concept is that it's an alternate to traditional treatment. I dunno. (The debate for a name change will come up in the next post.)

3. About the Blogroll: I'm slow per usual, but it WILL be back up. It will probably be split into two sections, people with eating disorders who are part of pro-ana and its peripheral circles, and a section of "unrelated" blogs about EDs. Some of the latter are written by people who have/had EDs, and others are nutrition, mental illness, social awareness type things. As always, I want to stress that I am not anti-recovery, so I definitely want to include all kinds of people there. But if you seem to be promoting things I believe are detrimental, I'm just not going to link. Normally I encourage dissent and discussion, but I don't want to be caught up in guilt-by-association. (I'll still be privately reading all the hundreds of blogs I have in my RSS.)

4. I have decided that, yes, I am going to put up a website instead of just using the blog. The blog is heavy on my personal life trials, and I'd rather have a more focused place for a community resource. Not sure exactly of the content-flow yet, but we'll see.

5. LASTLY, I haven't mentioned it, but I have been on a female bodybuilding kick for a while now. Not the extreme stuff, but you know, the muscley fit. In years passed I have eyeballed it before - these women obsessively dedicate their lifestyles to their diet and exercise and come out HAPPY. I have wondered now and again if I can "shift" my focus into some healthy obsession like this (or like living Green) because let's face it, even if the eating disorder never existed, I would still have this kind of personality.

So the bodybuilding concept has come up again, life seemed to be hinting something. So you know me, I dive into research of what these ladies do to live their lives. I'm enticed and excited. I map out exercise plans and fitness goals. I think maybe, just maybe, if I try it this way, I'll have enough motive to want to recover and I'll be able to seek and benefit from treatment.

Then I find a certain diet plan. It is about 1500 calories, twice as much as I think is "okay", but the food itself is almost exactly how I eat (when healthy). I am encouraged. So I do the math, and calculate how much it would cost to buy these groceries.

Almost exactly twice as much as we currently spend on groceries. And it didn't include feeding my hubby.

For one thing, it's a chilling reminder that I really AM eating far less than is normal or healthy. Sure, the calories are made up when I binge, but I buy the cheapest binge-food available (can you say $1.50 pints of ice cream?), and that's often on my "pin money" rather than the groceries.

But it also means something else:

I don't think we can afford for me to not starve.

I cried myself to sleep that night. I am so utterly discouraged. I feel like there is no hope. My one chance to save myself, a pointless endeavor. I know, it's not that extreme, but it sure fucking feels like it.

(I really need a fucking job. Wanna hire me? I sure can blog!)

(In positive news, I have increased my daily protein intake by shifting what foods I'm eating, and almost immediately the binges have nearly stopped. Only one b/p in the last 50ish hours is, like, amazing. Please let it not be a fluke.)

I've tried to blog a few times in the past week, but every time I start I get disgusted with myself and can't finish.

I have gained weight. Like, actually gained, not just "there's food in my gut" gained. About three pounds, almost instantly (okay, probably over two or thee weeks). I am mortified. It's partially because I've tried to increase my intake to keep from binge eating (that totally failed), part because I've tried eating semi-normally in front of hubs and family (needlessly, just and excuse to eat)

What I don't understand is, why was it so easy for me to starve in the past? I mean, I know why: because the mental thought of eating was always coupled with the concurrent thought of "you don't need that, you're strong". That has changed, and I don't know how to get it back. Now I think, "you're going to regret this" and do it anyway or even "it's okay, it's just this once", a blatant lie that Bulimia convinces me is true, and then a few bites in I can feel my brain go numb. Literally, it's like a white sheet being pulled over my brain - surprised my eyes don't roll back into my head. And then I eat and eat and eat, eat till it hurts, and barf. And then I'm hungry in an hour later.

I don't know how to re-train myself. If I knew how, I suppose it's reasonable that I could recover - replace the wanna-binge reaction with something sensical - but at the moment, all it's going to do is make me gain a ton of weight, because I don't have any control of it. Any.

A few days ago I burst into tears in front of my husband and curled into a fetal ball. The rotten tooth with the exposed nerve suddenly decided to start hurting, though I know I'm lucky that it's left me alone for so long. (I blame my overactive immune system.) Remember when I went to the dentist last fall to remove a purge-rotted tooth? I think I mentioned that I also had a filling loose at that time. Well, indeed, it fell out. Now there's a big crater parading as a tooth. Because I have no insurance, my only choice is to have it pulled (for almost $300), but I'm terrified to lose more teeth. The last root canal I had was $800 sans insurance, and that didn't include the crown.

I cried in pain and in guilt and told him it was my fault. He tried to get me to promise to stop throwing up, and I agreed.

I have not stopped throwing up. At all. It's at least twice a day, I don't keep track. I thought if the fear of losing teeth wasn't enough, maybe the fear of mind-numbing pain would be enough. It's not enough. I keep throwing up.

I don't know what I'm going to do for this. I need need to reprogram my brain somehow. Yesterday I started upping my protein intake by shifting what kind of foods I'm eating, and I'm going to try to be at 800 calories every day - I think the "or less" is making things worse. I'll probably o back to including the blood-sugar stabilizing bars as well, because I think part of it is sugar-withdrawl induced (because I binge on ice cream and cookies). We shall see.

I can do this. No more purging. No more bingeing. I can do this.

(Weirdly, I've rediscovered food porn, and it helps keep me from eating. You'd think it would be the opposite. I don't get it, but not complaining.)

Anyway.

Ugh, I never did the follow-up on the pro-ana post, did I? I'll be back to do that. I'll answer the other comments now though.

First, thank you as always to those offering me kind words when I'm down. I know it happens pretty often, ugh.

I've gotten a couple THANK YOUS from people who've read various posts on the blog and have come to the conclusion that they are NOT anorexic. I want to say THANK YOU BACK. You wondered if you had a problem, and tried to educate yourself, and that makes you awesome. There's so much confusion in the pro-ana world between food issues and self esteem and dieting and different eating disorders, and too many people get caught up in the emotional support they perceive, without actually differentiating their actual problem (or if they even have a problem at all).

I am also particularly excited by a comment from Sophie. The concept that we are supported by those without eating disorders had never even occurred to me. It is so wonderful that others are seeing that "the pro-ana community is not to be feared", as she says. That means we're moving in the right direction. Thank you, so much.

Anonymous: Lol! I can see how the word "hubby" would conjure up an image like that. No, he's actually abnormally skinny for his height - built that way, no bones showing, just a lanky guy. He doesn't dress any specific way, but it's not "mainstream" at all. His beard IS red, though, ha.

OH. And a small update to my Coffee Crisis: holy shit, thank you Pillarbox for recommending the coconut creamer. You were so right, it is the best. Ten calories a tablespoon, and it does exactly the creamy-bitterness-removal I need. You win. (I'm still using almond milk when I want an extra-milky latte-esque drink, too.)

Also, I mentioned recently that I'm working on an FAQ for the blog. Realizing that a lot of questions have very elaborate answers, I've decided each one will be answered in their own post and then linked to from the FAQ. This is going to include common stuff about me, information about mental health and nutrition, and some "controversial" stuff that's commonly associated with pro-ana. (I am amazed that people are still asking me how to barf. Seriously.)

Lastly, I only received one "I absolutely disagree" comment concerning the

Monday, March 12, 2012

Depression (still)

I'm sorry I haven't done anything of value anywhere. Depression is eating me alive. I barely get out of bed.

I love that you guys have such thoughtful suggestions. I'll be getting back to your comments soon. If I, you know, get up ever again.

EDIT: I want to add, if you DISAGREE with my previous post concerning the direction of Pro-Ana, please please DO tell me! You don't need to be anonymous. I am not going to argue or criticize. I want to hear your thoughts. I have an open mind towards suggestions. I want to understand the situation as best I can from all sides.

Pro-Ana is Pro-Reality

So in the aftermath of this Dr. Oz madness, I have decided that I am indeed going to restructure this blog in relation to "pro-ana".

Amusingly, I had started writing a post earlier this week entitled "Why I Hate Pro-Ana". To sum, it's because of the constant never-ending tide of misinformation that pervades within pro-ana circles. There's lots of reasons for this, and lately there's been a huge wave of it, just when I thought it was getting better. I am extremely frustrated.

The Pro-Ana Movement needs more structure. That is the only solution to the problem that I can see.

There needs to be some "official" definition for pro-ana. We need actively to reject ignorance and embrace fact. We need to STOMP out "wanarexia" of any sort, because it is detrimental to us, them, and anyone with an eating disorder. The bullshit has got to stop.

But the trouble is, I have trouble defining exactly what pro-ana really is. So I need your help, your thoughts and opinions. Here are my thoughts:

• It is important to stress that Pro-Ana is for people who are suffering eating disorders. It is not for people trying to crash diet, not for people who glorify EDs or are trying to develop them, and not for people who "think they might have an ED".

• I also feel, though I bite my lip when I say it, that Pro-Ana is for weightloss-related eating disorders or perhaps restrictive disorders, or even (dare I say) underweight disorders. I have a hard time finding the proper word here. Do I make sense? Pro-Ana is at the very least completely unhelpful to people with Binge Eating Disorder, and harmful at most. I also feel it is simply a painful experience for those with neutral- or higher-weight Bulimia for the same reason: you will see lots of girls boohooing about their skinny bodies and you will feel like a failure. You guys need support too. But you need a different kind of support, because the experiences are different.

• It is important to stress that Pro-Ana is not Anti-Recovery. It is, however, aimed to be support for people who cannot utilize traditional psychological treatment. In addition, Pro-Ana encourages attempts to explore non-traditional forms of treatment and health maintenance. Also, optimal wellness needs focus.

• Very important to empahsize that Pro-Ana does not encourage weight loss. Yes, many of us are actively losing weight. But that is NOT the kind of "support".

• I also think it is important to move Pro-ana away from some of the "traditional" elements that are so easily misinterpreted, such as Thinspo and Ana-Personification. These are not only hooks on which the media hangs, but they have become elitist in-crowd signifiers which are constantly misused.

• Lastly, it is important to stress the Pro-Ana values of open honesty, fact sharing, acceptance without judgement, rejection of censorship, and the breaking of isolation and silence.

I'm not sure if this list is complete nor finalized. I want to capture the values of the group as a whole and not just put my own perogative in place, but at the same time, there are many who identify as "pro-ana" who do not belong. It's a fine line.

Confession time: I am in cahoots with the hosts of Project Shapeshift and ProAnaOnline. If you are eating disordered and struggling with isolation and misunderstanding, but treatment is unavailable or failing you, I strongly recommend either those sites. The three of us have been discussing what we can do to further and solidify the Pro-Ana Movement, which I believe will have exceptional results due to our very different approaches, and we all would like your input.

You can send me your opinions here, in email, on Twitter to the general public at #ProReality or #WeAreProAna or to me directly @yummysecrets. I'm sure AnaGirlEmpath and SkinnyInTheCity would love to hear from you as well.

As for this blog, it's not changing much, except that I am going to be more careful about what I associate with on here. Of particular relevance to my readers, it means I'm zapping the blogroll. I've gone back and forth about this in the past, and originally didn't want to disclude anyone because I felt I was passing judgement on them, and I believe everyone needs support. I still believe everyone needs support. But not everyone needs the same kind of support.

I still believe, to be honest, that if people want to choose to crash diet, if people believe that losing weight will make them happy, no one has any right to judge them and anyone who does is a hypocritical douche. However, that is NOT what Pro-Ana is.

We need to spread the truth about Pro-Ana, and make sure we're doing all we can to protect that truth. We need to do this to protect our community, our values, and ourselves.

Hello Dr. Oz Fans

I assume that after the new Dr. Oz episode featuring Pro-Ana, I'll be getting all kinds of new hits as interested and/or nosy people start Googling "pro ana blogs". Charmed, as always. Yes, I was asked to be interviewed for Dr. Oz. No, I was not interviewed. I was really too busy to get back to them, what with jobs/wedding/miscarriage/life. No, I have not seen the episode yet.

EDIT: Newcomers, please take the time to read my Note On Blog Content before you proceed.

So! Let's piss off any newcomers by addressing some other inappropriate visitors to this blog!

An anonymous commenter (Kathryn) left me a long tirade. The original comment, seen here, made suggestions about how to eat a proper healthy and balanced diet, how to eat right without depriving yourself, and the benefits of balanced nutrition. I posted it with an additional note highlighting the ignorance of this comment, but did not explain.

Apparently this lack of explanation has upset Kathryn, because she went apeshit and left me a long tirade. Before I address this, I'm going to explain why her original comment was ignorant.

All of the healthy eating information you suggest is irrelevant, because I am not choosing to have an eating disorder. Suggesting to a person with an ED to "try" and eat healthy is complete foolishness. They cannot choose to eat healthy, and it is cruelty to think they can. I would love to be able to eat a balanced diet, to indulge in occasional sweets, to appreciate my healthy body, feel happiness and peace. But when I "try" as you suggest, instead I am tortured, filled with If you understood anorexia and bulimia you would know this, because it is how we all feel, which leads me to believe you are ignorant of how eating disorders function. If "eating right" was the cure eating disorders, nobody would have them.

Secondly, you also show you are very ignorant my me and my blog in particular, which is why I find your comment so dumbfounding. If you really read my blo, you would know that I am extremely learned about proper nutrition. You would know that I eat an extremely balanced diet (albeit very few calories), including sweets and fats. You would also know my multiple attempts at trying to "trick" my disorder, to fool it so that I am okay with eating food, attempting things exactly as you suggest, like trying new foods or allowing myself milkshakes. This technique has minimal success in curbing the crippling self-hate that eating food brings me. I have a hard time not being insulted by supposedly well-meaning compliments, because not only do they make lots of assumptions, they're often coming from a self-righteous person who assumes I'm ignorant.

Lastly, I absolutely hate when people make comments on my potential beauty. This is so fucking insulting to me, and detrimental to anyone with an eating disorder. If I'm shallow for trying to lose weight to make myself attractive, then I am just as shallow for trying to gain weight to make myself attractive. Recovery from an eating disorder should have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with a person's physical looks. Stop telling me "all women are beautiful" but that I "would be beautiful if". Stop implying I can find self-worth through physical beauty. Your entire comment proves that you assume that we have eating disorders because we think they will make us beautiful, which means you are, as I said in my original note, fucking ignorant.

So. I apologize for not including a more complete explanation before. I am not sure your response was appropriate, however, to my mistake.

For the rest of the readers, here's the response. (Please try to laugh instead of getting upset.)

I was not trying to bash you for not caring about your health in the last comment I posted. But since you think I'm so " amazingly ignorant" I just wanted to say one more thing. You think that your a real trooper don't ya? For going through all of the pain and torture that you put your body through everyday that has made you look flat as a pancake, and I dot mean that in a good way. You could be a beautiful woman, you should be proud that you are a woman, but your disgusting habits of trying to archive "emptyness" Has taken away your breasts, and you ass is grossly flat, you probably don't get periods anymore because of your poor health which means you are unable to conceive your own flesh and blood, you pretty much have taken away everything that a woman is suppose to be. If every girl was anorexic what would the world be like? And YOUR the one supporting the issue and telling young girls that it perfectly ok. The hard work that it takes to be FIT is much more rewarding than depriving yourself of food, IT'S NOT THAT HARD TO DO! IF YOU WANT TO LOOK GORGEOUS AND BEAUTIFUL ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS EAT A VARIETY OF HEALTHY FOODS AND WORKOUT OFTEN! But you are too weak of a person to even. Consider a healthy fit lifestyle such as that. I am in school to be a nutritionist and fitness expert, so seeing this evil web page made me feel like I had to say something at least. I am 23 years old, 5'7, 122 pounds and I look and feel beautiful BECAUSE I LIVE AN ACTIVE LIFESTYLE AND EAT AN AMAZING DIET. I don't think about calories all fucki g day like you do, and I'm pretty sure I won't be having problems with my bones anytime soon like you are. We are all giving one body, it's our job to take care of it not send it to an early grave, and I want you to know that I think the same way about obese people as I do with individuals who barely eat, I think that big fat people are gross and they too are also causing their body harm, but being way to skinny is equally gross. If you and I were to go run a marathon tomorrow who do you th[ink would] Tire out first? Im pretty sure that would be you! Buuuuut, I'm not tryin to sound like I'm better than you, for all I know you could beat my ass in running if you were healthy enough but the condition you in right is assuring that you won't ever ever run a marathon. This was just an example, I have never ran a marathon, I workout everyday but I have never gotten the chance to run one yet. I'm sure after reading everything that I have said you will laugh about how "amazingly ignorant" you think I am but think about what I said please. My name is Kathryn. I'm from Michigan I have a boyfriend but not yet married, no children yet, and I am also attending CMU. I'm telling you this bc I'm hoping that if you have a sense of my identity that all of this may mean more.

Kathryn, I know you were not trying to bash me with your original comment. I apologize if I seemed to imply that. I know you were trying to be helpful, were trying to show you care. But that does not change the fact that you are ignorant of eating disorders, ignorant of me and my life, and ignorant about the content of this blog. And even if your original goal was to be caring, you've completely undermined it by your immense rudeness, which makes me believe you were just here to be self-righteous in the first place.

I love when people think that being insulting in an argument somehow strengthens their point. So of course, you LEAP at the chance to insult my body (because THAT will really help an anorexic), you call me disgusting, you encourage comparisons between women as if being female is some kind of fucking contest.

As someone who was married to a woman for seven years, and was very involved with women's health and feminism, your attempt to insult my place as a woman is laughable. I confess I don't understand this concept of being proud to be a woman, which to me is like saying you're proud to be blonde or proud to be white. Being a woman isn't an accomplishment, it's something you just are. But that aside, it seems like all you can focus on is physical attributes, like a "real" woman is only the sum of her parts. Only a woman with tits is a "real" woman, huh? Considering I've always been an A cup, I guess I've never been. And the concept that a woman's only purpose and value comes from having children is backwards and archaic.

I submit that you, Kathryn, are the disgusting one. You are shallow, condescending, and ignorant, and you disgust me. You seem the epitome of the average, self-focused person. If you really gave a shit, really genuinely cared for suffering people, you would not only have taken the time to learn about their disorders, you would never, ever have said some of the things you way to me here. You would know at the absolute minimum that eating healthy IS hard to do. Which leads me to believe that you are, in common parlance, just a bitch. Therefore, I value your thoughts and opinions at zero.

Ahem.

On a related note, I am working on a Blog FAQ. Because there are indeed things I get asked frequently.

Morning; Wondering

It is the am, my usual bedtime. I tried to go to sleep sometime after 4, because I was extremely tired. I lay there, tossing and turning, before realizing I simply wasn't asleep. I lay there, blinking in the incipient light, thinking of ballet. A pain in my gut makes me wonder if I've damaged my uterus permanently, after the miscarriage. I am surprised for a moment that the idea pleases me, because it means I would be unable ever to have children. I realize it pleases me because the difficult choice, the choice of whether or not to have children, would be out of my hands. I am terrified at making wrong choices; I like when I have no choice. It's why I'm indecisive. Maybe I should get up and exercise. Maybe not. I'm not sure if I slept at all.

I get up. I have been dizzy every morning this week. I count my heart rate after leaning down to pick up the scale, because it has gone wild, slamming rapidly to make up for lost pressure. It reads 111.1 - Lucky! I think - which isn't an accurate weight because my intestines hold food in some form, plus I am bloated from gallons of coffee and post-purge reaction. I think I have actually lost weight this week, or at least lost fat, not because I look less fat (I never do) but because my ribs seem to be showing more. They show now, just slightly, without need to lift my arms. Raising them produces the bones in their entirety, the loop downward from my sternum, each steel bar. I compare the photos from two weeks ago, because to me, what is "more"? Has it always been like this? I honestly do not remember. I think it's more, which means I am less, which means I am more. I think.

I wobble downstairs, cold. I drink some diet soda to clear my head, which has been pounding with caffeine withdrawls for hours now. Then I exercise, because really, what else is there to do? 500 stiff leg lifts, 500 crunches which make my head throb, 500 aching jumping jacks. I stretch. I think of how I'd like to do ballet again. I think of how one of my feet is shorter than the other now, noticibly shorter, which wasn't true a year or two ago, which I blame aloud on my arthritis, but secretly know I've probably developed osteopenia, low bone mineral density. I wonder if I am shorter now. I wonder if this means I've gotten shorter in height, and if I need to recalculate my BMI, or if it doesn't count.

I make a pot of coffee, 8 cups. I drank two pots yesterday, starting halfway through the day. Does this mean today I'll drink four pots? I wonder what tests they do at the eating disorder evaluation. I know there are medical tests, but how extensive? What is the cost? And with insurance? I wonder when I'll get off my ass and get my marriage papers, and how long after it will take my husband to remember to fill out the insurance paperwork, and how long it will take before it kicks in. I wonder if I shoudl even bother.

I wonder a lot of things.

But I don't wonder if I'm dying.

Because I already know.