Yummy Secrets - A ProAna Blog

A Really Long Post

2012-02-17T18:21:00.000-08:00

Okay! Praying I don't get interrupted, I'm FINALLY making a long catchup post.First we'll start with the usual me-stuff. Today I was 110.5, a mere .2 away from next goal. The plateau curse is broken and I've been steadily dropping by fractions every day this week. I'd like to say it's because I've been doing well - and I have, really, the binges aren't so bad - but I think we all know the real

A Short Post

2012-02-15T18:38:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a short, rambling post, because there's so many little things I keep meaning to catch up on and delaying. Unfortunately privacy is minimum and updating by phone is difficult. Sorry about the last post. Just a mood thing, as usual. Shortly after writing it I had a quick conversation with my boyfriend husband, which lead to a thought occurring to me about the origins of my

I Hate Myself. Surprise suprise.

2012-02-13T00:40:00.001-08:00

Started to blog something with value and purpose, but this is what we're getting instead.I am a stupid fat cow and I loathe myself. It literally disgusts me to be with myself, to know I have to wake up every damn day and have to listen to my own bullshit. I can't describe what it's like - something like that coworker you fucking hate, because not only do they not bathe properly they're a

Life Happens

2012-02-09T09:39:00.000-08:00

You think, This is God's little joke. God will continue to play this joke for several more years, a cruel reminder that life happens, that the laws of nature will knock you on your arrogant ass no matter how hard you fight.--Wasted, Marya HornbacherIn other words, I tested positive for pregnancy this morning.If you're a follower of my drama-filled neurotic Tweeting, I had an "exciting" day

Fasting Success!

2012-02-06T09:04:00.001-08:00

What, blogging again already? Yes, because I'm so excited I have to tell you: in one hour I will have completed my very first true successful Fast. Fasting has always been difficult for me. I remember doing religious ones back as a teen, and even with the support of my youth group I found them impossible, because thoughts of food made me INSANE.I don't know why this one was successful. I've only

Obituary for my Disgestive Tract

2012-02-04T15:53:00.000-08:00

(I've put it in my calendar to update twice a week. Can't guarantee quality, but at least it'll be something.)My digestive tract is FUCKED. (Yes, this is a TMI post.)First, my intestines up and quit. This happened about a week ago, and I thought it was because during a very bad binge/purge session some of the naughty wheat I'd eaten had slipped by before I'd thrown up. Damn you jelly donuts.But

Coffee Crisis

2012-02-01T20:28:00.000-08:00

Because I am totally neurotic, the concept of creamer in my coffee has been torturing me. Sharing with you my obsessive calculations. (Holy cow, an informational post!!)We have lots of zero-calorie options for sweeteners when it comes to coffee. My personal favorite is Truvia, because it feels like sugar but dissolves like Splenda, and has a fruity aftertaste instead of a chemically one. (I've

It's Finally Over?

2012-02-01T02:09:00.000-08:00

I'm almost done with a long informative post about weight loss and nutrition and those fun things. However it's going to have to wait - something happened this evening that I need to get off my chest.All of us come to this strange little blogging community for basically the same reason: because we can't say to people in real life the things we can say here. Of course I'm the same. I have been

Thank you all!

2012-01-24T07:06:00.000-08:00

(I wrote this post and it didn't post? Stupid Blogger. So I'm revising it to make it relevant for now. Ugh.)Everyone was super supportive here and on Twitter. People said some REALLY nice things about how they respected me. "Respect" is such a powerful word. It makes me want to cry, I love you guys so much. LOVE YOU. After that crazy night, like always, my whole physiology has calmed down. Even

Permission equals failure

2012-01-23T15:27:00.000-08:00

Came up with a new plan to give myself "permission" to binge, since I do it no matter what my intentions are or mood is. Experiment failed horribly; spent the night eating, barfing, later drinking and cutting and swalloing meds, just to try to get my head to shut the fuck up.I should have known better, because it's the same pattern every time, due to my complete spinelessness and general

Useless words

2012-01-20T06:06:00.003-08:00

Busy with the life I barely have.I wanted to make Friday my "comment answering day", but I don't really have private-time on Fridays, so it's gonna be on Sunday nights instead. That's a good week-starter I think? (This update is from my phone.)the schedule is working out pretty well with the exception that my insomnia throws it off a bit sometimes. I'm still binge/purging most days, but it's

My Daily Planner

2012-01-15T22:37:00.000-08:00

Out of the blue yesterday my depression broke like the sun peeking through the clouds. I have no idea why. At some point I ate a bunch of cereal and went to throw up, and said, you know, I don't feel like it. So I didn't. Then I wrote a bunch of my (years in progress) novel, then I did the dishes and the laundry, then I decided I would write myself the daily schedule I've been meaning to do for

Goodbye Tooth Number 4

2012-01-13T06:38:00.001-08:00

Halfway into a binge - icecream, cheese, fries - I am shovelling chips into my mouth by the handful, until CRUNCH! Goodbye, filling, goodbye tooth. I knew it was coming, because the root's been sensitive for a while now.No, it wasn't enough to stop me.I've managed to curve some of the crazy binge/purge cycling, which is to say it happens once a day instead of four or five. But it takes constant

Response to Anon: Ana Groupies

2012-01-09T22:21:00.000-08:00

I just received a long and thoughtful comment from an Anon, which reads as follows: understand where your coming from, but your last comment about how if you think this is the ideal shape of a woman. Here is my confusion, I've read your blog. For quite some time. I've seen your before pictures and read your post about how sickening it made you. But it must not have made you that sick or how did

A Note on Blog Content

2012-01-08T19:05:00.001-08:00

Since it has been a while with the blog hopping around, and since I've got some new readers, I'm going to reiterate some things about my content.I absolutely DO NOT give "how to" information on eating disordered behavior. Particularly purging. Yes, I will share factual information, including the kind from which it may be possible to inspire dangerous behavior, because I believe that the benefits

Hunger and Dead Blogs

2012-01-06T10:05:00.001-08:00

I have 1100 followers today. Holy shit, sez I. I know I don't actually have that many people readin my blo on any given day, and I also know a lot of accounts are deactive, but still...that many people took the time to show they like my blog. Wow. (And I don't know why, because for every insightful post I have, there's 10 more that are neurotic rambling!)Like this: why is it that I only feel "

Studies Updated

2012-01-05T12:42:00.001-08:00

I hadn't updated the Studies page in over a year, shame on me. You can now find my fairly comprehensive list of studies, thesis papers, and essays which feature Pro-Ana over on the Pro-Ana Stuff page.Eventually I'd like to go through the list and cite which ones require paid access, and include the abstracts/summaries here for easier reading, buuuut who knows when I'll get around to it. (Some day

Sooooo....what's up?

2012-01-04T04:17:00.000-08:00

I hate the new Blogger system. Birthday ended on a poor note because my mood went wild, so I took a pile of laxatives and hated myself. (See? This is why I shouldn't eat.) Which lead to a nice embarassing experience the next day, with bf and his brother at the grocery store, because I ended up spending at least 30 minutes in the restroom. I thought my intestines would rip right out of me, I swear

Happy Birthday To Me

2012-01-02T02:50:00.001-08:00

I've replublished my old blog in all its rambling neurotic glory. I still need to import the posts from the TPAF interlude, which I'll try to do sometime tonight. Did it. And I'm still mucking about with the layout.The "pages" are mostly empty, but I'll be working on that throughout the week.And a special wave to Peridot: you're actually one of my favorite bloggers, too, lol. Maybe now that I

Back to Blogger

2011-12-31T08:41:00.002-08:00

I'm coming back to this blog. It was an interesting sojourn. I'm messing with the layout a lot, so give me a few days to set up, and then I'll maybe post something of interest.

Bulimia Pain and Plans

2011-12-21T07:12:00.000-08:00

I cannot stop the binge-purge cycles on my own. Cannot, and it frightens me. I would be more terrified, except that my boy comes home from his business trip tomorrow. I know myself well enough to know that me ever-present goody-two-shoesness will not allow me to binge or purge while he is near. While he’s away at work, I am less sure, but the thought of lying (guilt) or admitting it (guilt) makes

Officially ED

2011-12-19T07:17:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning and immediately realized that eating disorder has finally, well and truly, taken over my life.I know that sounds stupid after all that’s happened: losses and gains in life and weight, suicide attempts and mental wards, therapies and pills and everything else. I couldn’t say it when I tried to die, or when I lost my job, or home. But now I have no other life besides bingeing

Security Breach

2011-12-15T07:00:00.000-08:00

Blog has been discovered, again. I was careless. He’s promised to to read it behind my back, but it’s a hell of a temptation I’m sure…so if you’re reading this, Hi Darling. We’ll talk when you get home.So we had an interesting talk. He believes I’ve been “lying by omission”, because I’d promised to be totally open with him about everything…but the fact is that ED is a constant running

Master Cleanse Fail, lol

2011-12-10T07:09:00.000-08:00

Yeah, no. So the Master Cleanse is just too little too fast, and made me binge like I’ve never been fed before. And bad stuff, too, like donuts and shit I shouldn’t be eating. Can’t tell if I’ve hurt my intestines with it because, har har, you take senna or saltwater laxatives twice a day on the Master Cleanse, so I’m shitting water anyway. It’s awesome, you should try it. (Sarcasm.)The sad thing

Online? Again? Maybe?

2011-12-04T16:48:00.000-08:00

I haven't been paying attention to anything online because I've been focusing on getting my RL life settled. My life is so very, very different now. New home in a new state, new boyfriend, new lifestyle, new everything. For the better? I would say yes......except for this little thing we call Ana.Okay, okay, I'm trying to summarize this in a way that makes sense, because I can never remember what

Addendum

2011-11-09T14:10:00.000-08:00

A coda needs to be added to the last post: I seem to be experiencing some steroid-induced hypomania now. Exciting! Apprently, steroid-induced psychosis and related mood changes are quite common (27.6%, severe changes at 5.7%). But the even more interesting part is this: patients with SLE and related autoimmune disorders have an increased likelyhood for this side effect. (I have rheumatoid

Emergency Room, Whee!

2011-11-09T11:33:00.000-08:00

Taken to the hospital in an ambulance, again - only this time it had nothing to do with being crazy! I started taking an antibiotic (Clindamycin) and within a short time, I noticed that my face tingled and my heartbeat was out of control. Only a few minutes later my mouth and eyes were swelling, so I dialed 911 -- which was smart, because while I was on the phone, sure enough my tounge swelled. I

Exhausted

2011-11-06T12:33:00.000-08:00

Sorry a poofed...after two weeks of packing, travel, I have moved cross-country to live with my now-fiance. Things were fine for, oh, a day, and I proceeded to have a mild life-crisis, which seems to happen every few days or so.It amazes me that a person who barely leaves the house and has minimal contact with the world can manage to have a life crisis.Anyway, right now I'm in the middle of yet

Ana Buddies?

2011-10-13T06:44:00.000-07:00

Can someone explain to me the purpose of the ubiquitous "ana buddy"? I've never had one, so I don't know how they actually work...if they do work.There's a couple reasons I've never sought one. One, they seem the realm of teens, and often wanas, neither of whom has and relevance to me, obviously! But I also confess there's a tightening in my stomach when I think of getting close to any of you

More Quick Phone Notes

2011-10-12T06:25:00.000-07:00

Semi-empty today, weighed in at 118.5. My period's supposed to be starting sometime soon, so I'm praying to Ana that's at least a pound over. I can't imagine how I'd actually GAIN, but I do feel extremely lazy. (Partially not my fault, the arthritis has been bothering me.)To those leaving me blog links: I can't figure out how to subscribe using Google Reader on my phone. I haven't forgotten you!

Pro-Ana Survey: ANAMIA Sociability Project

2011-10-11T06:46:00.000-07:00

Recommended to me by Ana at Vitamins For Breakfast, here is another excellent pro-ana survey! It is called the AnaMia Sociability Project, being conducted by the French National Agency for Research. It seeks a better understanding of the feelings of those witheating disorders. Plus they seem to have a good grasp of what pro-ana is about. Remember, France is one of the political epicenters of

Pro-Ana Online Survey at UMASS

2011-10-08T13:01:00.000-07:00

Let your voice be heard! Please take a few minutes of your time to participate in this online survey being conducted by the University of Massachusetts. It is organized by Kay McCurley, a PhD student of Sociology. Her master's thesis will be based on the study of the Pro-Ana identity. (I hope I'll get to read it and add it to my list!) The survey is completely anonymous and can be as simple or

Updates, New Phone, Confession

2011-10-07T07:50:00.000-07:00

first I want to apologize that I haven' really been answering comments. I really appreciate hearing from you guys, but I don't feel like I show it! That said, since I've moved to TPAF, I've received a lot of comments which...surprise me. Just a reminder: I do not post TTT on this blog. I won't help you lose weight. That's not really what this blog is about. We all know how to lose weight: eat

2011-10-04T06:46:00.000-07:00

Still no computer. still throwing up every day, sometimes multiple times. I think I may have done some damage or something, because now there is a physical limit to what I can eat before I need to vomit. I can't really binge, because the food doesn't...fit, almost. When I eat a meal, I try to ration so I don't go overboard, but sometimes I cross that line - even with "safe" foods - and I run to

Quick Phone Post

2011-09-30T06:24:00.000-07:00

Little announcement: my laptop is so very, very dead. I think my anti-malware program quarentined part of Windows. :/ Yeah. I'm still reading comments and blogs and tweets, but won't be responding or doing anything worthwhile until the laptop's fixed. Typing everything with thumbs is a little difficult! ;)The fat news: I binge if I don't starve, and nights are bad. Feeling good today because, you

117.0 and Other Oddities

2011-09-22T07:43:00.000-07:00

So after a day of MASSIVE FAILURE, eating piles of rice and cookies in a ridiculous binge, I was 117 this morning. Hoookay. I just don't get it any more, seriously. Only a half pound from goal. I'm hoping the one high-cal day has given me a nice boost of energy, my metabolism back to normal, back to losing weight properly. Today I'm at about 350 calories, and actually stopped a binge earlier (

117.5 and ITCHING

2011-09-21T08:03:00.000-07:00

I really want to write an interesting dynamic post, but all I can think of in how ITCHY I am. I took the shortcut through the woods to the coffee shop and got bombarded with mosquitoes, and am now covered in a dozen welts!! This was because I decided my most recent cuts had healed enough to be not noticeable and I could wear short sleeves...ha ha, NO.In a decent mood today, at least. I think I

118.5, Sick

2011-09-18T08:32:00.000-07:00

Now I have strep throat (we think). Pretty much spent the last two days sleeping. Its a great excuse not to eat.(Except that the fever is giving me more vivid dreams. And can you guess what they're about? I can't get images of chocolate donuts out of my head...something I couldn't eat even without an ED...sigh.)-----Quick edit: I was going to binge, I could feel it. Instead, I poured a big glass

The usual.

2011-09-15T13:44:00.000-07:00

Currently wishing I was dead.I am pathetic.That is all.

Ketosis, Other Things

2011-09-14T08:42:00.000-07:00

Ketosis, you guys. Which is to say, I'm experiencing it. I thought I was getting a UTI after the plane flight, because I get some kind of infection every time I fly, and there was a bit of a tingle, you know. There's also been this strong smell, sort of fruity but clearly "wrong". The infection went away, but the smell didn't. It's definitely ketosis, which happens with low-carb and obviously

Tumblr Announcement: THAT'S NOT ME

2011-09-08T08:57:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post: http://yummy-secrets.tumblr.com/ is not me and not associated with me. (Why she picked the same name as me I don't know.)(I have a Tumblr at http://sickenbelow.tumblr.com/ that I pretty much never use. I don't really like Tumblr. Whatevers.)

Thin(k) Positive!

2011-09-08T03:59:00.000-07:00

That title's a joke, because I tried to type "think" and wrote "thin" instead. DAMN YOU, FREUD.Feeling positive today, which always raises the question - why does starving work so well to make me feel better? I declared a 24 hour fast last night at 10:30 (although it had been a few hours since dinner), and it's 1:30 the next day now. It's almost all over. Basically, I just have to skip dinner. I

119.0 lbs and First Comments

2011-09-07T06:24:00.000-07:00

YAY Sally left the very first comment on the new blog! Sally: We're the same age and about the same height - you're kicking my ass!! D: Oh well, I'll get there eventually. And no, no job yet, I'm afraid, but I've got a ton of applications in. I forgot that I haven't given you guys the explanation of everything that's happened in my life....I should do that. But not now. :Diamtoxic: It's probably

119.5 lbs, Goal Met

2011-09-06T03:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's b/p session clearly wasn't a problem. Just a fluke. Go back to routine. Goal 120 reached. I hate my mom's scale, because it rounds to .5. Mine's more accurate. I wish I knew what it really was, but I'm too cheap to buy a second scale. (Oh, as a note, I've flown to visit my mother for this month to take care of bills and stuff, so my scale is on the other side of the country.)Today (

120.5 lbs

2011-09-05T11:01:00.000-07:00

Which I would have celebrated, except that I spent today in b/p mode. Like, hard. I think I got most of it up, but...it's not exactly the celebration I had in mind. I seriously do not understand the point of eating a bunch of food only to throw it up. Cut the crap, brain or body or whatever is doing it. Just stop it.Originally I planned to fast today, but I completely forgot it's Labor Day, which

What spurs on Anorexia? article by Scarlett London

2011-09-04T06:58:00.000-07:00

What spurs on Anorexia? by scarlett_dixon Aug 2, 2011Over the past few years anorexia has been a popular topic of conversation, not only for the exceptional amount of coverage it receives in the modelling industry but also for the number of young girls it affects; I decided to look deeper into what spurs these young girls on and how gripping such a condition can be. I have never suffered from an

Ministry calls for Twitter to block 'pro-Ana' sites

2011-09-04T05:35:00.000-07:00

Ministry calls for Twitter to block 'pro-Ana' sites.By: thinkSPAIN , Sunday, September 4, 2011SPAIN'S ministry of health has called for social network Twitter to block sites aimed a egging on sufferers of anorexia.These sites, known amongst specialists and patients in eating disorders, are known as 'pro-Ana' fora.They usually involve sufferers of the condition giving others hints and tips on how

Stuff.

2011-09-03T06:24:00.000-07:00

So I'm just going to jump into babbling, because if I don't JUST DO IT, I'm never going to start blogging again.Let's begin with the heavy stuff: I want to say that I am pretty suicidal, I guess. I got drunk a week ago and tried to slit my wrists with a broken shaving razor, but apparently I'm was pretty LOUD about it, because I got interrupted and stopped. This "discovery" is less of a major

Welcome to YS 2.0!

2011-09-02T04:03:00.000-07:00

I keep trying to make a "first post" to the new blog and failing utterly! So I'm just going to quickly say "hello" and get back to work, adding links and moving old posts. See you soon!

Short Update

2011-08-18T02:40:00.000-07:00

First, a note: comments are currently set to be moderated. I'm not on often enough to monitor for abuse. But I am reading them, even if I haven't gotten around to publishing them. I appreciate the support - some of you said amazing and kind things. Just making a quick post to say that I probably won't have regular internet access until the end of September. I'm in the process of moving

Good At Something

2011-08-08T22:39:00.000-07:00

I still don't have regular internet at the moment, but hopfully I'll be set back up sometime this month. The good news is, I'm now covered for healthcare under the scary-sounding category of "Permanently and Totally Disabled". That's really more the I was denied for Federal disability, though, because they said I didn't turn in all my paperwork, except that I did. The joys of government. Anyway,

2011-07-25T15:06:00.000-07:00

Oops, the internet we were using got shut off. We'll be getting our own this weekend, hopefully. This is a quick update from my phone to let you know I'll be back, but it's too hard to make regular posts. Typing taakes forever!!

Hello Pro Ana People.

2011-07-17T04:29:00.003-07:00

If you type "pro ana blog" into Google, my blog is ther very first one. Hmm. I'm not sure how I feel about that. You can probably tell the hidden meaning behind this: I've been sneaking around the proana community again, which is to say, my eating disorder is acting up again.I was thinking of starting a different blog, but that seems stupid and tedious. But I can't decide if I want the "pressure"

Goodbye

2011-05-29T02:03:00.001-07:00

I have shut down this blog. Maybe temporary, maybe not. At the moment I'm not comfortable with this blog floating out here, as if I'm going to pick it up again. Ana is not gone from my life, but for the moment, blogging is.You can obtain a copy of the blog in its entirety here, if you are interested. Update 1/2/2012: All of the old blog posts have been restored. You can just read them in the

Ana Voog

2011-02-10T18:35:00.000-08:00

Just a quick post to let you guys know you can download all of Ana Voog's "Mother Anorexia" album on her livejournal.(And as a side-note to a certain commenter: I do not "censor" my comments. After a day all posts are automatically switched to requiring approval to weed out spam. If your post doesn't show up immediately, that is why.)

Oh....

2011-02-03T15:17:00.000-08:00

While I was away from the blogosphere, Isabelle Caro died. She was the French model who posed nude as a warning about the dangers of anorexia. We've all seen her images. She was 28, less than a year older than me. And more recently, her mother committed suicide.I have no words. I hope they rest easy.

Maybe a blog...maybe

2011-02-02T13:21:00.000-08:00

I wonder if anyone's still reading here? :) Guess I'll find out! I no longer have a job. So I'm going to try to blog regularly again...not like I'm doing anything else, right?? (Also, I added lots of new blogs, and I'm cleaning up the blogroll again. Check it out.)The second part of my news is that my boyfriend/fiance and I are finding separate apartments. I am impossible to live with. We're not

The Blog Plan

2010-12-17T05:09:00.000-08:00

So here's what I decided:I've started a new blog which is basically the same as this one, just with a more "overall" feel. It'll be about my life and my crazy head, rather than specifically targeting a Pro-Ana audience. un-de-nied.blogspot.comI'll keep this blog up. If I have something ED related, I'll be posting it here. I'll keep trying to make informational posts, too, about research and food

All Masks Off

2010-12-14T09:40:00.000-08:00

I can't decide if I want to continue this blog. My therapist left for another job. Even though I liked her, I had already started to grow very...disappointed with the way treatment was going. I wasn't quite sure why I felt that way. So I felt relief when she left. One reason is that it's one less eye on me (something I've always despised). But why would I be disappointed at treatment that seemed

Sighs

2010-11-07T11:59:00.000-08:00

Still posting quickies from my phone.I am feeling extremely torn. In ballet yesterday my instructor came up to me after class and told me how beautifully long my arms are because of how much I've improved. (When I started I clutched them to my chest like a scared mouse.) It was especially poignient because earlier in the week I'd been cursing my "ape-ish" long arms and the fact that sleeves are

A Seasonal Change

2010-11-02T12:27:00.000-07:00

Just a quick one, because I need to talk to SOMEONE...and that's what we're here for, right?Over the last couple of weeks Winter officially came in, bringing dark and cold. I think the seasonal shift is kicking in a Mood Episode. Like I said last post, I've been having a lot of negative thoughts lately. Well yesterday my attention span shot to ZERO, which is strange because I was kicking ass at

No Privacy

2010-10-27T16:27:00.000-07:00

Ugh, I keep trying to find a way to start writing regularly again, but I can't find a way to do it without getting caught!! This is from my phone, which is fine for quick updates, but nearly impossible for anything worthwhile. Grr! Obviously I have a lot to share. I'm posting at this specific moment because the last few days I have found myself very discouraged with "recovery", despite how well

Why, hello there.

2010-09-19T20:08:00.000-07:00

Just poking in to say hello. I keep meaning to get back into the hang of blogging...then I forget. Quick updates: - I (heart) my medications. They are amazing. Seemingly gone completely: suicidal feelings, depression, hypomania, self-harm, paranoia, hypochondria. Purging is almost entirely gone with a few slip ups. Obsessive-Compulsive behavior, long ingrained, is still there, but I can actually

Er, Hiatus

2010-08-02T06:03:00.000-07:00

My life right now = ptbdbthpbdthbdpth. I'll be back soon, I promise.

Happy Blogiversary!

2010-07-21T05:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the blog’s first birthday...and I forgot to blog! What a doofus! I was going to, and I got busy...duhhhh. Well, at least I have an interesting Ana-related story to share. Yesterday afternoon I went to Target to buy a new bra. I need one of those strapless/backless dealies to wear in Vegas with a backless dress I’ve got. Trouble is, I have no idea what bra-size I am any

109?

2010-07-19T07:53:00.000-07:00

Once again my period started early – and by “started” I mean “made a pathetic attempt to exist”. You know those little thin panty-liners that aren’t really meant for periods? Those are all I use anymore. A couple more signs: I had a wedding to go to and was trying on necklaces in the mirror. Arms raised, I pause. I’ve found the reason people are harping on my weight-loss. Ribs. You can see

Alienating My New Followers

2010-07-12T12:25:00.000-07:00

A lot of new folks have started following this blog, especially over the last couple of months. (Apparently attempted suicide is great for ratings! Ah, morbid humor – classy.) Hi guys! Sorry I’m so bad with welcomes! (At least you get a taste of my bad jokes, right?) So I’ve been getting a lot of questions about stuff that I’ve talked about ages ago, just your daily basic stuff. I certainly don

Questions

2010-07-10T17:01:00.000-07:00

First: I'm cleaning the Blogroll, and I'm about half-way through from the bottom to be different. I removed anyone who hadn't updated since December, anyone who left or was deleted, and of course anyone who didn't seem to belong on the list. Wow, there are a lot less links now. Remember, if you want on/off the list, just let me know.Number Two: I put up the Opinions + Essays page. It's linking to

A Theory of Light

2010-07-09T07:04:00.000-07:00

The time it takes to peel the skin Is shorter than the size of sin It tastes a bit like broken stone It’s sharper than the whitest bone No one mourns the petal pruned From a flower now dry and ruined If there’s less of me, there’s less to hate Fall faster than the speed of weight (No real post today, sorry. I wrote this for you though. Stay strong, everyone!)

What Is Your Ultimate? Part 2

2010-07-06T18:48:00.000-07:00

Warning: LONG post ahead! First: The Blogroll now directly displays what's in my Google Reader. Links like wow. I'm going to go through them soon and "clean" them - I'll remove folks who are no longer updating, who are in recovery and no longer part of the blog circle, who expressly don't want to be associated with Pro-Ana, or are otherwise shouldn't be on the list. (I'll probably still be

How Thin Is Your Ultimate?

2010-07-06T05:55:00.000-07:00

I have a question-slash-confession. You know how I love confessing things! (Actually, that might be a compulsion of my scrupulous OCD, but let’s not get into that now.) I’m going to put a new poll up tonight related to thinspo, but I have some related discussion here I want to talk about. I promise I’ll answer comments this time, because I know I’m really bad with that. @_@ (I *do* read them,

Small Update

2010-07-05T10:00:00.000-07:00

I hit 110 sometime this weekend, but it's back up to 111 today from eating dinner with family last night. I can't decide if I want to count it. If it's 110, that's down 3 lbs since last week. I'd like to imagine this rapid weight-loss is due to my excellent control and hard work, but it's probably being boosted by my medication. Topamax is known to cause weight loss, particularly in people who

Something(s) Funny

2010-06-29T09:57:00.000-07:00

I had a big long post of you, but it’ll have to wait till tomorrow. Something’s funny up with my computer, so this is an update by email, which I hate doing. It ways screws up the formatting and looks stupid! Grr! In the meantime a short (TMI) update. Everybody loves those! FIRST my usual for-your-health service-announcement blah-blah: if you have unprotected sex, get your butt on birth

My Eyes Are Broken Again

2010-06-26T16:04:00.000-07:00

Holy Bananas, you guys. I know I don't normally post on the weekends, but I have GOT to tell someone about this.Any Shopaholics out there? I call it "clothes binging". Plus, they're one of the things I hoard, so much to my boyfriend's dismay, there's always a giant piles of clothes I never wear lying around. So over the last couple of weeks I've been SUPER GOOD and got rid of all the clothes that

Some Love, Some Hate

2010-06-25T11:20:00.000-07:00

I this community amazing? I know we all know it, but I cannot say it enough times - you guys are SO kind and supportive and understanding, no matter WHO I am or WHAT I choose to do. I say this because, once again, I have a confession - but it's a different one this time. I took a dip back into an old scene of mine recently. Started talking to some groups I used to associate with online. I thought

The Thighs That Weren't

2010-06-24T05:59:00.000-07:00

Starvation is such a strange world.How much longer can I keep saying to people, "What do you mean I look thinner? I've been the same weight for ages!!"? I know at some point it's going to have to switch to, "Oh, I know I've lost weight – it's my medication," and pause here to nod sadly, "But don't worry, the doctor's watching me!"And of course, to the doctor, "I'm trying, really I am – I checked

Stupid Meds

2010-06-15T07:36:00.000-07:00

Ugh! I have been TERRIBLE at blogging! These new meds are kicking my ASS! I’ve started going to work again, but I’m still unable to drive because I can’t see straight. My co-workers keep giving me worried glances and asking me, “Are you all right? You look pale. Do you feel okay?” And you know what? I’ve been answering them honestly – no, I feel like SHIT. Most days I go home and go straight to

Awake at 3 AM (Plus Pics)

2010-06-06T23:51:00.000-07:00

UGH, sorry, I poofed again. I was supposed to go back to work Monday, but I was RIDICULOUSLY sick. I couldn't get out of bed for three days. Stupid meds. So I've kind of been out of it all week. As you may notice from the posting time, it is currently 3 am. I normally get up for work in 2.5 hours from now. I simply cannot sleep - I am wildly anxious about finally returning to work tomorrow. It's

A Hospital Hello

2010-05-29T08:30:00.000-07:00

One week ago, I weighed 119 when they moved me from the ICU to the mental health ward.I made a suicide attempt on Thursday, the 20th, leaving work early to go home and swallow dozens of pills. In a burst of survival instinct, I ended up stumbling over to the mental health center nearby, where they called an ambulance. I stayed in Intensive Care overnight due to seizure risk; it was then kindly "

Bit of an Up

2010-05-17T10:57:00.000-07:00

I think I’m entering a mood episode? The SSRI made them so extreme they were quite obvious, but without it I’m having a harder time telling. The edges are blurring. But I feel like there’s something...wrong today. Off. If I jump to conclusions I’d say it’s a mixed episode, because I’ve got some “up” signs and some “down” ones. I’m research-y, and didn’t get much sleep last night, and I’m

Weekly Bullitan and a Fuck You

2010-05-14T10:28:00.000-07:00

The Fuck You is at the bottom. - The one person who knows the most about my issues came to town this week. I deflected related conversation. I also managed not to eat too terribly, but it was more than I would have liked. I'm going to have to be careful of bingeing this weekend because of it. I haaate when my diet gets disrupted. But I'm scared to complain in front of people, because it'll call

Psychiatrist, at long last

2010-05-11T07:10:00.000-07:00

I wanted to make a long whining post about my lack of weight loss, but here's some more relevant info instead.So, I finally met the Psychiatrist. Not what I pictured, which is good because I was starting to not like her in my head, lol. But anyway – went through the usual spiel. Family history, reason for coming, problems having. It was pretty straight-forward. Did the usual playing-down of the

Competition Part 2

2010-05-10T11:38:00.000-07:00

Some people are having trouble emailing me, and others are having trouble joining the competition itself (I think I boned something). So here’s the details: 1) Create an account on http://slim2win.net – It’s free and doesn’t ask for personal info. 2) Join the Competition called Dragonflies. The pass is “wintergirls”.

Plan B

2010-05-10T05:26:00.000-07:00

Oh man, I hate blog posts like this. But, in the name of Total Honesty, I shall tell it.I had to take Plan B this weekend. I ran out of birth control a few weeks ago, and this is how I deal with the situation: I stick my fingers in my ears and hope the problem goes away. (I do this with a lot of things, but clearly, this is a situation where the plan doesn't work.) I was hoping to make it until

Competition

2010-05-05T11:15:00.000-07:00

If you'd like to join my (friendly, team-based, not-very-competative) weight loss competition, email me for the info! It starts this Sunday!(And don't forget to read my previous post!)

Some Studies on Bulimia

2010-05-05T09:10:00.000-07:00

Just something interesting I came across today. This study shows that fasting increases bulimic behaviors, whereas dieting does not. In conjunction, another study found that a strict restrictive diet does NOT increase bulimic behavior risk, but in fact lowers it. (Here is a second related study.)This is interesting, because this is exactly what I've been experiencing over the last few weeks. If

The Dilly

2010-05-04T11:32:00.000-07:00

Agrl, I'm so SICK of reading articles about how Pro-Ana sites arenothing but thinspo, crash diets, and ways to "hide Ana"! Let me tell you something: most of our websites DO NOT have that focus!I almost NEVER read about "tipz" and that stupid shit, and I readPro-Ana sites every single day. And many people post thinspo, sure, but99% are just attractive models, not Holocaust victims. And except

About the Blogroll

2010-05-03T13:45:00.000-07:00

Double-post day, for this bit of blog-related information.First, and opinion questions: Should I only include links to blogs which specifically say they are Pro-Ana?Currently I include any blog that looks typically-Pro-Ana, but I'm wondering if this is too lax an inclusion criteria. Most blogs don't state it right out (but they should, IMO). But just because you're actively eating disordered and

Monday, Monday

2010-05-03T06:40:00.000-07:00

Ugh, I drank some Senna tea last night, thinking that it would be lessgut-wrenching than a normal laxative. I hadn't gone all weekend andwanted to be "clean" for the new week. Ha ha, says the Universe. WRONGO.I have been to the bathroom 4 times already in the 2 hours I've been upthis morning, plus the three or four times I woke in the middle of thenight to go. The good thing is I am wondrously

BACON

2010-04-28T06:05:00.000-07:00

K: Yes, I'm back. Pretty much. Trying to be, anyway!Others: Yes, Kat is back. I didn't link her because I wasn't sure how much privacy she wanted, but she's having us who know spread the word: she's right here. (I have mixed feelings about it, as I do with all you lovely folks - I'd call it selfish excitement.) (And you all know my feelings towards her sister, I think.)Mia Moon and OhMyGosh: I

Breakable

2010-04-27T04:28:00.000-07:00

A lot has changed over the past few months in the Pro-Ana community – people leaving, people disappearing, people seeking treatment. It saddens me when people whose writing I enjoy leave, but it’s fascinating to watch the ebb and tide of we breakable girls and boys. This is not the apology I promised – but I want to make sure I post every couple of days and stop procrastinating. So here’s the

Send out the blackbird, send out the dove.

2010-04-23T05:52:00.000-07:00

I miss you guys. I had an extreme, sudden pang of longing for you alllast night (and today). It's been a long time since I've rememberedthese feelings, these ones of care and concern....Which brings me to why I've not been posting. I have beenincreasingly withdrawn lately. I pretty much avoid everyone andeverything. The reason for this is not, surprisingly, to hide my eatingdisorder, or any of my

Obsessive, much?

2010-04-15T04:05:00.000-07:00

After a weekend of un-triggered crying, likely confirming that my mood cycles are still here even without meds, I finally get to bring my mood chart into the therapist. I mention the meds issue, and she says, "You haven't seen the psychiatrist yet??" Hells no, biznitch didn't make me an appointment till the end of April. So anyway. So I pull out my mood chart, and the pages of relevant

Sliding Down the Spiral

2010-03-30T05:45:00.000-07:00

Jeez, you guys, I wrote a long post about how I love you so much, andnow I can't find where I saved it. Ha ha, guess my love will have towait! -- First, if you're wondering, I DID email Tamra about the previouspost's comments. (I was notoriously polite, I believe!) I simply do notsee how I'm being a hypocrite, and explained why. Because it's a privateemail I won't go into details, but yeah. I'm

How to Lose 10kg in 10 Weeks

2010-03-24T04:41:00.000-07:00

babybluebird: You ask if it is "reasonable" to lose 10kg (22lbs) in 10weeks. SHORT ANSWER: Any amount of weight lost by disordered means isunreasonable, dangerous to your physical health, and a plague on yourmental heath.This is not a website for Diet Tips. PRO-ANA IS NOT A DIET.LONG ANSWER: It is common knowledge both to healthy weight-losers andthose in Pro-Ana that it is nearly impossible to

I wrote this last month sometime I forgot

2010-03-22T07:45:00.000-07:00

Whenever the winter gets too cold, and the wind blows a little tooharshly, when the sky is clear and bright with no grey blanket to keepwarm, that's when she goes walking.Others don't understand it, the magic that appears at that time, trappedin crystal, and so she is alone on the streets, winding her way amongthe quiet houses and snow-covered lawns, her only company the howlingwind, the creaking

NOT TOO THIN

2010-03-18T10:02:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be updating my blog by email a lot (like this), so I'm notgoing to get a chance to read/answer comments as often. Just...in case Idon't answer you, don't take it personally! (However, my new laptop's onit's way, so I'll have a new Secret Place to keep my Ana stuff.)After eating Chinese take-out rice and promptly purging it, I'm comingback from the bathroom and a coworker stops me in

Case Manager, etc

2010-03-17T04:31:00.000-07:00

- While waiting for my appointment, I talked to a man in the lobby whowas a little cuckoo. Mostly it was random stuff, talking about havingcolds, small talk. But right before I got up to leave, he said, "Justremember, just remember...Even if you're the only one in the entireworld to believe something...that doesn't mean it's not true." I wasamazed at the poignancy. - So Case Manager L and I

Caught

2010-03-16T10:46:00.000-07:00

I was going to babble about numerous other things, but this is way moreimportant: I've been caught.My boss calls me into her room and says I've been online too muchagain...but that's not important. The links are all about anorexia. "Are you okay?" she says. "You've lost so much weight recently, so...I'mnot sure if it's even my place to ask, but...."Of course, oh, no, I'm totally fine, really, you

Braindead

2010-03-15T04:50:00.000-07:00

I think my brain is dying. I've been trying to write posts, every day for the past couple weeks, and it is just impossible for me to get anything out. I can't seem to finish a coherent thought. They just sort of trail off...hopefully I'll finish this one. - I have a bad sinus infection, for over a week now. I am certain it is a direct result of daily vomiting. - I had a talk with my mother that